Week 52

Day 357: Aug 2, 2015

I learned today that the fire is heading toward the village and has grown to 16,000 acres, 4x the size it was yesterday morning. I spent the day at the airport. I was originally going to try to fly standby to go home but I was told that because my original flight was scheduled for the 8^th, I couldn't fly standby early. It sucks because when I called to ask if I could they said yes. So, I ended up paying an extra $400 to change my ticket. It worked out because the flights ended up being full and I did not see anyone get on who was on the standby list. I ended up at the airport from 5:30am to 2:30pm which meant I was able to use a bunch of internet and watched a movie. The flight left late because the catering company messed up. We made up the time in the air but then there were a bunch of thunderstorms around Chicago so we ended up about a half hour late. It was kind of cool to see the lightning from a plane. On the drive home we ended up driving through a downpour and lightning strikes. I have a healthy respect for lightning now.

Day 358: Aug 3, 2015

I slept all day. I think I will use these remaining days as options to reflect on the year and the evacuation.

Day 359: Aug 4, 2015

I really miss my friends. I am finding it really hard to be without them while going through this time. I really just want a hug or someone to fall asleep next to. To know that there is someone next to me who is going through the same heart wrenching situation. It feels like a big chunk of my heart has been ripped out and is back in Chelan with my friends. I really don't like this.

Day 360: Aug 5, 2015

Went and visited the grandparents today. It was exhausting. My grandma is just so negative. I am already kind of down so having my grandma be so negative and comment on every dying tree was not helpful. I really want to reflect on this whole experience but right now I just can't. I don't want to do anything.

Day 361: Aug 6, 2015

I made some bread today. That was exciting. I think what I need to do is to start doing things, a little at a time and then set aside a time to sit outside and reflect. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Hang my hammock in the front yard, bring out my computer or notebook or both and just write.

Day 362: Aug 7, 2015

Just sitting here in my hammock. Yeah, I'm sitting not laying. I don't have two trees to connect the ends to so I attached one end to the trunk and the other end to a thick branch. The two ends are fairly close to each other but just about perfect distance for sitting cross-legged on it. It is a beautiful set up if I must say so myself. I think today I will try to reflect on the evacuation. My plan is to start with the most recent and go toward the overarching reflection of it all. We shall see how it goes.

The first threat of evac due to this fire was right around the fourth of July. We did our best to pretend that everything was normal and we proceeded with celebrations as normal. When you have your bag packed and fire fighters watching your parade it makes it hard to celebrate without thinking that any minute we might be called together to evacuate. The fire did the best thing we could hope for, it stayed where it was. It didn't spread around or really move at all. For the next month the fire just chilled out in a rocky, hard to reach place. We figured it was burning itself out of fuel and it basically was. The weather cooperated and was cool all month. Our worries shifted from preparing for an evacuation to every day worries- don't dig up a pipe, don't burn yourself on the espresso machine, try not to drive IT crazy, who is dating who, who likes who, and who is leaving soon. I figured I was going to be leaving on my departure date. I was going to have multiple days to mentally prepare and to say goodbye to friends. Heck, I wasn't even that upset when people hung out with someone else on my birthday because they were leaving the next day. I figured I would have that day soon enough and life would be good. I am not usually a person that likes to be at the center of attention, I'm an introvert by nature, but I do like just hanging out with friends- even if that just means we are sitting on a porch together enjoying the sunset, or watching a movie together. But that morning, when I heard that we were going to be evacuated (I heard through the grapevine because it was early and they had only told the night crews that we were leaving) my stomach dropped. I didn't believe it. My first thought was “shit” and my second thought was “well, it is a good thing I packed my stuff last night”. I still opened the coffee cart and pretended like things were normal. People didn't know that they were going to be told that they were leaving in 5 hours or less and it wasn't my duty to tell them. That first day was relatively normal except that I had to say goodbye to about 20 members of my Holden family. I knew I would not see many of them again. A few I would see at the boat dock the next day but I didn't know how many I would see. At the time, I was too wrapped up in packing, emptying my room, and figuring out what I was going to be doing the next day to really digest what was happening. Yeah, I cried when we did a long-term goodbye for Honna and I but I was still going to go down on the boat with about a third of the village. That night those of us who remained who were not important enough to be included on super secret meetings gathered on a porch and talked. We sat there, ate cookies and enjoyed each other's company which was really not that different than many other nights. Then we heard that they were going to call us in for a meeting, we were going to leave earlier than originally planned. It was starting to get dark and, to be honest, most of us didn't care when we left as long as we weren't woken up by the alarm in the middle of the night. We just wanted to know when we needed to get up and we wanted to go to bed. Simple request but the meeting wasn't called until 9:45. At this point, we just wanted to get the meeting over with. We were told that people were going to gather for breakfast at 4:30 and we were going to load buses at 5. My only thoughts were “ok, I can do that. Can we go to bed now?” but, of course, no meeting at Holden Village is that simple. They opened things up for questions where we got the expected but still stupid question of “So, when is breakfast and when are we leaving?”. I couldn't help but to roll my eyes, especially because it was my manager who asked the question. Come on! You are a freaking manager. You should be able to understand these simple instructions without needing them repeated. Just another example of why he should not be in a position of power. It also didn't help that he wasn't at breakfast announcements when they took roll. Part of the contract that we signed was that if it is a working day for you (it was for him) then you are expected to be at announcements at 8am. Usually there is nothing important said but every so often there was something that we needed to know from the other side of the creek. There might be a blast at the quarry that people need to know about or there might be something else that the group needs to know about. When there is a possibility of evacuation it is even more important that you show up. Just another reason why he was probably the worst possible person to be chosen as a manager. So after the meeting ended many people went to finish packing because they originally thought that they would have the morning to pack and I tried to go to sleep. I think I laid there trying to slow my heart beat and go to sleep for probably 2 hours and I know I was not the only one awake because I heard Levi and Jesus packing most of the time. I think that was the most frustrating part of the whole evacuation, just not being able to sleep the night before. When I woke up at 4 I knew that my night of sleep was over. I got up, finished packing and headed to the dinning hall. I figured that at least if I was doing something I could keep my mind busy enough that I wouldn't get too anxious. When it came time to board busses it couldn't be as easy as boarding a school bus. The fire had taken off over night and had crossed the road. It had burned so hot and fast that it split rocks at left debris on the road. This didn't bother me all that much because I know how fires act and I know the damage that they tend to leave behind. Once I knew that it had left debris on the road I knew immediately that the fire had taken off and that it was no longer contained to one side of the road. Our drive down was going to look very different from the last time I had been down that road. Since things were blocking the road we had no idea what time we were going to leave the village or if we were going to leave that day at all. See, the fire tends to get more active as the day gets warmer. That means that the longer we waited for the road to be cleared, the less likely it was that we were going to get out that day at all. Not knowing if you are going to leave that day or not can really play games with your head. Most of the morning we just laid around in public areas together because we had no idea if we were going to be leaving in 5 minutes or in 24 hours. People took naps in the middle of everything because they were so exhausted but didn't want to miss anything by going back to their rooms. Finally, around 9am the directors gathered us together to have us prepare the village incase the fire decided to head toward the village. It was their way of keeping us busy. As soon as they sent us on our ways to go do things the directors got a call. We were leaving in a half hour. In the moment I was ecstatic. I had been assigned to work in my manager's group and was dreading it. Then there was that moment of “FINALLY”. We were actually going to leave and if I wanted to I could sleep on the bus or boat. At that moment there wasn't much thought about the fact that I was departing the village for good. I was just glad that we were no longer in limbo. Fast forward through the drive down smoke and fire alley and the claustrophobic boat ride down the lake to the joyous moment of arriving at the dock to see friends who had not been in the village during all of this. I wasn't sure that I was going to see them again before I left. The one person that I needed a hug from over the craziness of the last two days was there. I hugged him for all I was worth. Heck, I practically fell apart on him. I didn't realize how much he had meant to me until then. It wasn't that I wanted to have sex with him or anything but I found that I needed him in my life during the rough patches. I want him in my life at other times but there are times when I need him there. It was also at this time when I realized that the guy that I had a crush on was not the guy who I should have in my life. He knew that I needed a hug but instead basically ran off. I understood on the boat when he kind of shut down. He felt claustrophobic and needed to escape but when he tried to leave forever without saying goodbye to anyone I knew that he was not worthy of my heart beyond friendship. When my other friend opened his arms wide and gathered me into his arms, I knew in that moment that I was home and that it was going to be nearly impossible to say goodbye. We all had places where we needed to be, though, and mine was in a car with 4 other people headed to Seattle. As we were preparing to leave, all I could think of was “only one more hug and I will be able to leave”. The sucky part was that I felt that even after the car that I was in had left. I don't know when I will see him again and right now all I want is a hug from him telling me that it will be ok and that we will see each other again soon. Originally, we planned on hanging out in mid September and meeting up with some other Holden people who live in the midwest but now that the fire has basically gone crazy and has started heading toward the village who knows when people will be allowed back and I don't think he will be allowed to leave the group until they are back in the village. If you are reading this and you know who you are, I am sending you a digital hug (I know that they are not the same but it is all I can do for now) and prayers that things calm down.

I have been ripped from my surrogate family before it was time and I am struggling. That is the best I can do for now. This outside world is crazy and people can't seem to let silence be silence. People seem to feel that the gap in people speaking must be filled. People seem to feel the need to buy things constantly and here I am like “Yeah, there is a little hole in my pants, your point?” or “Yeah, I guess that is a cute shirt but I am already wearing a shirt and have something to wear tomorrow so no, I don't want to buy it. Not even if it is a good brand and it is $3 at a resale shop.”. Maybe it is because I am running low on meds so I just don't care but I think it is more that I know what actually matters in life now and it is not the things around me but rather the people. Is that what I have learned this year? I don't know. That will have to be a topic for a different day of sitting outside trying to ignore the sound of cicadas.

Day 363: Aug 8, 2015

Time for some thinking.

Week 51

Day 350: Jul 26, 2015

I was so cold this morning. I ended up sitting on the porch, reading my book in a winter hat, jacket, long pants and had a blanket over me. It was a beautiful day but not what you would expect for the end of July. Today was James' birthday and so we celebrated with a video that we had put together for him and a cake that the kitchen had made specially for him. It was awesome to see his face and the gratitude that shown in his eyes.

Day 351: Jul 27, 2015

Today was my birthday. It was a pretty normal day. I was off, others were working. I went back to sleep after breakfast, watched Harry Potter in the afternoon, made a felted hedgehog after dinner, and sat on the porch after vespers it was nice. The only thing that kind of annoyed me was that a long term staffer is leaving tomorrow. She had her birthday about a week ago and we celebrated with a little party and then have basically have had a party every night to celebrate her “last” whatever. So now she is leaving tomorrow and people basically chose to hang out with her rather than me. I didn't really want a party or anything but it would have been nice to have more than three people hang out with me on the porch. Who knows? Maybe I will get the same treatment when I leave but there are people leaving between now and then that I wanted to hang out with on my birthday. So, that put a little bit of a downer on the day but oh well, I have had worse. It just sucks a little.

Day 352: Jul 28, 2015

We rant through our fire evacuation drill today. It was in the middle of my nap time so I napped right after work and had a later lunch. The actual evac drill was pretty boring on my end. We met up in our designated spots and then since my group was more about doing things after we left the village we got our bags and hung out in the dining hall until everyone was ready. I won a game of Bananagrams while we were waiting but other than that it was not all that interesting.

Day 353: Jul 29, 2015

Not much to report. People are leaving and the village is starting to turn over.

Day 354: Jul 30, 2015

Well, I have booked my hotel and ticket for the shuttle that will take me to the airport when I leave. It is not exactly the way I expected to be leaving this place when I came here and not the way I expected to leave two weeks ago but it will work. Fire update: It was crazy smoky today. So smoky, in fact, that it burned my eyes and made my throat hurt. The windows in the dining hall were open and I could actually see the smoke in the room. I decided that we should probably close the windows there and in our chalet so that the fire alarms wouldn't go off. It was pretty crazy. I love the smell of a camp fire (wildfire is basically the same scent) but not when it is choking me. Because the fire is apparently more active we have been upgraded back to a level 2 evacuation which means that we need to be ready to go at any moment. I packed my bag so at this point I could pretty much be ready to go in 15 minutes. I just need to pack electronics. Hopefully it won't come to that but it feels good to know that I am pretty much packed and everything fits. The new travel mugs came into the bookstore today. They are an image that one of our artists in residence did. We only had 8oz mugs before and that is just too small for me so I asked if we could get a bigger size and luckily I still had enough cash to get one. I now have enough money for the bus plus $2. Good thing I am not here much longer and credit cards are the norm in the real world. To finish the day, I made a dream catcher and a stencil for a t-shirt that says #Igiveashit. It is a play off a hashtag that we made up for our nurse that is #Lindagivesashit. We made the hashtag for her because she is always so enthusiastic about things that are not really that interesting. A few of us talked about wanting to make a shirt to commemorate it and so I decided to just make the stencil rather than talking about it forever. I even tested it out on a shirt I found in potty patrol. Levi tested it out on his calf so now he has #Igiveashit in permanent marker on his calf. It was a pretty awesome day.

Day 355: Jul 31, 2015

I guess my time here is ending earlier than expected.We learned today that we are evacuating. 90% of the remediation guys left today and about 20 villagers headed down with them. I get to leave tomorrow because I am leaving for good and have to pack and clean things out. At least that means I get a “last night” here. I love my mom so much right now. She worked hard all day to figure out how to get me on a sooner flight.

Day 356: Aug 1, 2015

First things first. I am writing this on the 2^nd of August because yesterday was insane. So the night before last (July 31) we met as a village to find out that we were going to leave earlier than the original 1:30pm planned departure. The fire is usually calmer over night because it is cooler and generally wetter then. So we ended up planning on leaving at 5am. Of course, we didn't find that out until 9:30pm and didn't get back to our rooms until an hour later. When you find out that you are evacuating your home in the morning it makes it really hard to sleep. No one in the village got much more than a few hours of actual sleep. I know I laid in bed for over an hour trying to calm down enough to actually sleep and then woke up way earlier than I needed to. So, we all gathered at 5am only to find out that there was debris on the road so we were going to have to standby until the road was clear for us. At this point, all we knew was that some rocks had fallen on the road and they needed to be moved. So we all hung around the area figuring that we would probably leave soon. After an hour or so we headed into Creekside where the coffee cart is and just laid around the room. At 8:45 we had a meeting where we decided that we were going to split off and do some of the duties to prepare the village. As soon as we split off to learn about what we are going to do, I walked past the directors and some forest service people and heard something about leaving in a half hour. We gathered our stuff and headed to the busses. A few folks who were planning on staying were told at the last minute that they were going to evacuate and so they packed a bag in a matter of minutes. Everyone was fairly calm and we caravanned down the mountain. We were led by a forest service truck which was followed by a water truck, two school busses, and 6 pickup trucks. As we drove down the valley the smoke became thicker. We didn't see flames until we were 2/3 of the way down but we turned a corner and suddenly saw a flaming log just off the road. All around us was a view of pure and udder waste land. The fire had spread further than we thought. It had crossed the road, the creek, the valley, and the peaks. We still saw flames and smoke but it was what remained after the fire had passed through. It was incredible. Once we were at the dock the remediation folks headed onto one boat while we got on another. As we headed down the lake we began to see the full extent of what had happened over night. The fire had grown from 1500 acres to over 4000 acres in one night. We could see that the fire had spread past Domke lake, burning down cabins along the way. One of the residents of Domke actually spent the night on his boat in the middle of the lake and watched his cabin and everything in it burn to the ground. The sun was blocked out by the smoke. Ash could be seen in sheets on the water and the light around us was orange. Everyone looked like they had a horrible spray tan. We arrived at the boat dock, said our goodbyes, and headed off to Seattle. There were five of us in a small five passenger car but we had a great time. We stopped at a Thai restaurant for dinner in Seattle and then dropped people off at their destinations. When I heard that Honna was planning on sleeping at the airport I decided to invite her to stay at my hotel with me. We pretty much got to the room and immediately went to bed. It was a long, complicated and taxing day. I think I will continue to write and finish the 365 days by reflecting on this experience as well as the year as a whole.

Week 50

Day 343: Jul 19, 2015

We had a field trip today!! About half of the village headed down the mountain to spend some time down at the lake. It was truly like a camp field trip. We played telephone on the bus ride down which was hilarious because at different points the phrase was being translated from english into polish, polish to spanish and then back to english. Once we got down to the lake we quick slathered on the sunscreen and ran off the dock. Before jumping in, I saw about 5 trout that were about 10 inches long but they were gone by the time we got over to where they had been. The lake was cold but we got used to it pretty quickly. We swam around, found a log to sit on in the water. We pretended it was a boat and paddled around a little. We tried to stand on it without having it roll (we were only successful for a short amount of time) and just sat on it. We took a short hike over to the next harbor over (Refrigerator Harbor) and some people jumped off the cliff. I went up planning on jumping but decided against it once I was up there. I figured it was enough of a fear facing by just going up there. We spent time just enjoying the sun and read. It was wonderful. We headed back after about 4 hours of fun and it was like a kindergarten bus ride. Half of the bus was asleep at some point during the ride. The remaining part of the afternoon was pretty chill. After Eucharist a bunch of people gathered in my living room and played dungeons and dragons while others of us went out onto the porch where a few played guitars and the rest (mainly me) sang or hummed along. It was a lovely way to end a great day.

Day 344: Jul 20, 2015

I did basically nothing today beside put aloe on my burns from yesterday.

Day 345: Jul 21, 2015

So the power went out for the whole day at 7am today. It was only in the building where I work but that meant that I worked 2.5 hours and then had the rest of the day off. It was pretty great. I went back to sleep, cleaned up my room, and did some reading. It was great. I ended the day with watching a dodgeball tournament while eating ice cream and then spent some time on our porch while watching the moon set.

Day 346: Jul 22, 2015

Today was very musical. Levi came into the coffee shop today and played his guitar for a while and eventually Honna came in and joined in on the violin. In the afternoon I took a nap and read while listening to Levi practice and in the evening I showed Alex how to turn the heels on his socks and then we went to a different chalet where we talked, played Monopoly Deal, ate popcorn, and listened to Levi play more music on the guitar.

Day 347: Jul 23, 2015

Tonight was pretty great. We had vespers around the fire ring by the creek (there was no fire) and had a group hug because Max is still cancer free!!!! I am so happy that his scans were clear. It is a HUGE weight off my chest. He has been cancer free for a year which is awesome. The evening was finished with a little painting with Bob Ross and some coconut cake to celebrate a friend's birthday!

Day 348: Jul 24, 2015

Wow, the village is so quiet right now. There are about 15 people out doing overnight hikes today. There were two main groups, the trail crew and a group going to the next boat stop about 17 miles from here. When there are only 50 some odd villagers it makes a huge difference to lose 15. It is kinda bizarre. There is no one on my floor in the chalet and there is nothing to do tonight because most of the people I hang out with are out. I guess that means I will finally get a full night of sleep. I started making fruit leather today. It is in the dehydrator right now and probably won't be ready until tomorrow morning. It is strawberry, blueberry, black raspberry, huckleberry, and thimbleberry leather. Should be good.

Day 349: Jul 25, 2015

Oh, man. Once that fruit leather was completely dry it was amazing. It is truly leather-like and is completely dry but the flavor is awesome. Mmmm, so good. The day was pretty normal plus a few weird Holden moments. Tomorrow is James' (a villager who loves to show off his “hikeys” aka calves and loves certain shaped noses) birthday. He is a well loved very long term villager and tomorrow is his 50^th birthday. So, being the village that we are, we made a video for him. There were hikeys, noses, and 50 Cent (his favorite nose of all time) included and those are only the parts that I know of. We are going to show it tomorrow. Should be great. To end the night, we had a variety show. It was pretty short (only 6 acts) but Lawns and Gardens brought some freshly harvested carrots from our mini green houses. Those carrots were amazing- crunchy, juicy, wonderful flavor, and not woody at all. So much good produce, so little room in my stomach.

Week 49

Oh man, this was week 49. That is crazy. Well, here is what happened in week 49 of my year at Holden Village:

Day 336: Jul 12, 2015

It was a beautiful day outside. Almost chilly compared to what we have had in the last few weeks.

Day 337: Jul 13, 2015

Another beautiful day in the mountains.

Day 338: Jul 14, 2015

We have officially been down graded to a level one evacuation!!! I can stop living out of my suitcase!! Tomorrow, I take the day off and go to Holden Lake!

Day 339: Jul 15, 2015

My hike was wonderful! I left the village at 5:30am (mainly because I was awake anyway) and spent the morning hiking up 22+ switchbacks and through an avalanche shoot, berry patches, forests and meadows to Holden Lake. It was a gorgeous day for a hike- high in the low 70s and it started out cool enough to wear long sleeves. I hiked alone but had music playing so I would not surprise any bears that I might come across. I really enjoy hiking alone because it means that I can go at my own speed and because of that I only had to stop once on my way up the switchbacks and that was mainly because I needed to take my long sleeves off. It took about 3 hours to get up to the lake, I spent about an hour exploring the lake and saying hi to the marmots and then took about 2 hours to come back down. I noticed some really awesome rocks on my way up but decided to not pick them up until I was on my way back. That way I would at least have less water weight on my back and could replace that weight with rocks :). I was kind of disappointed because I heard there were some “really awesome” rocks and there were some cool ones but no “really awesome” ones. I think I ended up spending more time picking huckleberries, black raspberries, and thimbleberries than I did looking for rocks. Most of the rocks were pretty much the same -sparkly/metallic with mica but I did find a really cool piece of core that had been drilled that had some quartz crystals in it. I ended up with probably 7 rocks and 2 cups of the various berries. I ended up back in the village at around 12:30 which meant that I had time to shower and take a nap!! When I woke up from my nap, though, it was like I had been seriously injured. I was limping like crazy because my butt muscles were so sore. It was actually kind of funny. I ended the day with an open mic night where I performed a piece that I had written to remind myself and others that although the darkness seems to close in on us, it will not last forever if we don't let it.

Day 340: Jul 16, 2015

Vespers was lovely tonight. We started a new weekly vespers where we sit outside, sing one or two songs and then people are given free reign. We can go for walks, have conversations or stay and listen to some music. I chose to sit and listen for a while. It was really nice to be outside and listening to Levi and Elizabeth play some songs. I really enjoyed it.

Day 341: Jul 17, 2015

A pretty average day that ended in a birthday party with homemade ice cream.

Day 342: Jul 18, 2015

Tonight was the block party!!! I made 16 bags of popcorn and we brought our bean bag game up the hill to share. There was even a little tea party. I definitely made too much popcorn so I went around to different areas where remediation folks hang out to try to off load some. It kind of worked but I still probably could have made 8 bags and been fine. Oh well. I got to hang out with Thunderpaws the cat and I found a few black raspberry bushes and enjoyed a few of their berries. They were delicious.

Week 48

Day 329: Jul 5, 2015

The valley was cloaked in smoke when I walked out my door this morning. I was a little worried that the wind had changed and the fire was headed toward us. Turns out, basically all of eastern Washington is on fire so we are getting smoke in from other fires. Our fire is slowly spreading in all directions which is good. If the fire had been blown in one direction it would be much harder to control. The fire is doing pretty much exactly what we want it to do.

Day 330: Jul 6, 2015

A fitting poem by Langston Hughes (with a twist I put in myself):

Still Here

been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,
Sun has baked me,

(fire has threatened me)
Looks like between 'em they done
Tried to make me
Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
But I don't care!
I'm still here!

Day 331: Jul 7, 2015

I LOVE MY CUSTOMERS!!! So a little while back I found out that one of my remediation costumers' wife co-owns a yarn company called Spincycle Yarns. They hand dye all of their wool and have some really awesome color schemes. So my customer told me to look at their patterns and see if there was one that I liked. I picked out a hat pattern that I love and thought he would just send me a digital copy. He just came back from his days off and handed me a kit for the pattern! I was shocked and am truly grateful. I am a volunteer trying to pay off college loans and so don't have much extra money to spend on yarn and a gift like this reminds me that there are wonderful, generous people out there. YARN!!! Plus, it really rained this afternoon. Only for about an hour but they were serious raindrops and only a little thunder so hopefully it was helpful.

Day 332: Jul 8, 2015

The barrier wall on the other side of the creek was completed today!!! It is the most expensive project that you will never see. To celebrate, we put together a mix of songs and spoken word about their time here. It was pretty great. Otherwise today was hot and humid.

Day 333: Jul 9, 2015

I watched people play dungeons and dragons today. It was interesting to watch but I am not sure I really want to play. It is surprisingly complicated. Other than that today was pretty boring.

Day 334: Jul 10, 2015

One thing that really sucks about being on anti-anxiety/anti-depressants is that you rarely can cry. It takes a lot to actually cry more than a tear here and there. When it does happen it is like the flood gates open. You totally lose it. Ever since my teacher died I have felt like I really need to grieve and I am but it feels very drawn out. I haven't been able to just sit there and cry. It really sucks. It also doesn't help that I have other things that are troubling me either. One of my friends here has been fighting cancer for two years now. For a while, every lump he was finding was cancerous until recently. He found a bump that turned out to be nothing a few months ago. He has been cancer free for about a year but he just found another lump about a week ago. He went out to get a doctor to check it out but he couldn't get in to get a CT scan. Luckily, he has an appointment at Mayo Clinic in a week or two with his regular doctors. That was about the same amount of time before he could get a scan here so he decided to wait until he gets home. He came back here because he figured that he would at least be busy and not think about it too much. My fear for him makes me want to cry. The fear and anxiety that he must feel has to be excruciating and would make it very hard to sleep.

Another thing added to my “makes me want to cry” list is that a different friend here just had his girlfriend (who also lives up here) cheat on him with one of the construction guys. My friend broke up with said girlfriend but she wants to fix things between them. The only thing, though, is that she is still seeing this other guy. She is stringing along my friend and it is almost like she is testing them to see who she really wants. It is tearing my friend apart. He is incredibly depressed and feels like there is something wrong with him when the problem is hers. I worry about him, I really do. He is a great guy who is definitely marriage material. I used to have a crush on him before they started dating but had to move on. I just wish there was something that I could do to ease the pain beyond just listening to him. She doesn't seem broken up about it at all and is even trying to squeeze her way back into his life and since he still loves her but feels betrayed all at the same time it is like she is driving the stake further into his heart. It kills me to watch.

Day 335: Jul 11, 2015

Today was an interesting roller coaster. I woke up before my alarm by about a half hour. It was early enough that it sucked but late enough that it wasn't worth it to go back to sleep. So I went to work early which was good because I was able to open early so that people could get coffee before the planned power outage. The outage was about 45 minutes long but it was during my usual quiet time so it was nicely timed. Levi came and visited when the power came back on and played music. It was interesting because I could tell that something was up and when he left he said something about how playing the guitar helped. After work I visited him in his room to ask if everything was ok. I think he is feeling betrayed by God right now. With one of our friends facing the possible return of cancer it is hitting Levi hard. No one deserves cancer especially someone as young or great as our friend and it is hard to face. Maybe it is the part of me that has faith that the bump that they are feeling is nothing that is helping me right now, I don't know, because I should be terrified for my friend. Don't get me wrong, I am still scared but I think he will be ok in the end. Cancer is scary and seemingly can hit at random which is almost scarier. I ended up drawing quite a bit today to work through my feelings of the last few days. It helped but not as much as I wish it did. I also wrote a poem/prose about some stuff but I want to get someone else's opinion before I post it online. I hope next week is better emotionally for many in the village than this week was.

Week 47

Day 322: Jun 28, 2015

Today was hot and sweaty. Because of that we pretty much laid low all day.

Day 323: Jun 29, 2015

It is raining! We had a thunderstorm last night that has extended into the morning. The rain is great. It has drastically cooled to outside temperature. The down side, though, is that one of the lightning strikes started a small fire two valleys north of us. At of right now we think it has only burned a hand full of trees but the rain is slowing so who knows. The forest service is on it, though. They are checking it out and getting it under control so we shouldn't have to evacuate due to this one (hopefully). It is supposed to rain on and off all day but then nothing for the rest of the week. I hope they get the fire under control today since it will probably be easiest now. Update: the fire has officially been named the Wolverine Fire. Update 2: The fire is no longer active but people will be out there monitoring 24 hours a day for the next few days.

Day 324: Jun 30, 2015

USA!!! We won the women's world cup semi-final!! On to the final. It was awesome because Rio let us watch it on their satellite TVs so we could actually watch the game. It felt great to yell at a TV and watch commercials like they are the greatest thing ever. After the game, we were given the opportunity to go on a tour of the work site. It looks pretty much the same as it did last summer. There has been a ton of work done, it is just all under ground. After vespers, a few of us sat on the porch to enjoy the cooler temperature of the evening. It is amazing how beautiful this place is and having background acoustic guitar doesn't hurt the beauty either :) . Once it started to get too cold/ dark we headed inside and watched Arrested Development.

Day 325: Jul 1, 2015

Wow, time is flying. It is already July. Crazy. Today was pretty normal (minus a quick meeting about evacuation and what to do if it needs to happen) until staff meeting. It was kind of a downer way to end the day because it ended up being an hour and a half of Chuck and Peg explaining what they want to do during their tenure. It was long, the room was hot, and they tried to bribe us with candy. Don't get me wrong, it was good to see what they want to do and hear about things but the whole thing could have been cut in half. As staff, we don't need to know everything and, in fact, most of us don't want to know everything. There were people getting a little upset because they are focusing mainly on programming stuff (makes sense since that is a HUGE part of having guests here) rather than betterment projects around the village. Yes, we need people to help keep the village in good shape but not nearly as many as we have needed to do all of these projects that we have done in the last few year (underground electrical, better communication stuff around the village, new pipes, new foot bridge, etc). Programming is what makes this village a fun place in the summer and it is what keeps people coming back. It is important to make the first guest season back a great one so that people get excited and tell others it is amazing so that guest seasons quickly ramp up in numbers.

It is now much later than I would really like so good night all.

Day 326: Jul 2, 2015

It is never a good sign when the directors want everyone to come to vespers 15 minutes early to make an announcement about the Wolverine fire. Turns out the fire is in a really bad spot. It is basically in a pit surrounded by steep cliffs. They have been pouring water on it from helicopters but you can't really get control of a fire or put it out without boots on the ground. Since the fire is in a treacherous area they can't get people in to fight it. Unless something changes (it rains without lightning, the wind changes, or a general miracle) it looks like we might evacuate within the week. The fire is no danger to the village but it could pass over the road which is our only way out. They really don't want us trapped. If they evacuate us it will be so that fire crews can do a controlled burn on the north side of the road so there will be nothing for the fire to use as fuel. I am hoping that if we do get evacuated it will only be a few days. I am supposed to leave soon and really don't want to have to come back to get my stuff. I guess I am going to go through some stuff and pack tomorrow....

Day 327: Jul 3, 2015

My stuff is packed and I am ready to go. Things are getting hectic and Hot Shots (fire fighters) came in for dinner and are working down valley. Everyone is making it sound like we are heading out tomorrow which is very possible but according to someone who works for the fire service he thinks it might be another few days. It is going to be a stressful few days.

Day 328: Jul 4, 2015

I think this has been one of the best Forth of July's that I have ever experienced. In the morning I gave free coffee drinks to anyone who stopped by (we went through 5lbs of coffee and 5 gallons of milk). It was fun to stay busy all morning and make people happy. I really enjoyed making the remediation guys happy and then some of the fire fighters came in and I got to surprise them with coffee too. I think we are going to give the fire guys free coffee every day we are open. I figure it is the least we can do for the help that they are giving us. So, I stayed pretty busy all morning and then rinsed out my tie-dye shirt which is my new “work” shirt. It is a random pattern where I just squished the shirt together and then dyed it rust brown which is more of a medium roast coffee brown color. On the front of the shirt I drew a coffee bean and wrote BEANIE'S and on the back I wrote “The best coffee in town”. It turned out pretty great except that the soda ash mix made the permanent marker run so it isn't as crisp and clean as I would like but I am still pretty happy about it. I took my usual nap in the afternoon but woke up early. It was so quiet in town that I got a little worried that I was missing something but it turned out that most everyone was taking a nap since it was such a warm day. We had vespers early but the remediation guys were already off work so a few came (they did an evacuation drill) and then dinner. Most everyone ate outside and it was nice because we (everyone who sleeps in the village) were all together enjoying a meal. It had cooled off nicely by dinner so we sat outside and listened to music. After dinner we started the festivities. We had proclamations where anyone could say anything they wanted, tug of war, face paint, water balloon toss, mini golf (with hockey sticks and ping pong balls), and chalk to decorate with. It was so much fun. Then we got ready for the parade. I ended up pulling Alex and Sam down the street in one of our luggage carts. They were the Grand Marshal and his wife. It was really easy to pull but a little hard to stop so we tried not to do much of that. We went down main street once and then flipped the line and went back. It was a fun way to do it and made the parade a little longer. When we flipped, I got into the cart and they pulled. It was a fun way to do it and it didn't make them seem like assholes for making me pull the whole way. Once the parade was done we headed to the village center and got free ice cream before the fireworks started. Our fireworks consisted of pictures of fireworks and all of the bubble wrap collected throughout the year. The bubble wrap added the bang without the flame. I have not had so much fun in a long time. We jumped into piles of bubble wrap and danced in the piles and once it was all popped and the “fireworks” were done, most of the 20-somethings hung around and danced some more. It was great. I used popped strings of those air pockets that are not in sheets and make a huge noise when you pop them as a dancing ribbon. We treated the popped stuff like it was a pile of leaves and threw arm fulls in the air, rolled around in the plastic, jumped in it, etc. It was such a great day and now it is 11:30pm, I am exhausted and content, and it is my day off tomorrow. :)

Week 46

Day 315: Jun 21, 2015

Today we are going to focus a little bit on grace. We, as humanity, need to find grace and the ability to forgive. If we can learn to forgive gracefully maybe, just maybe, we can live in a more peaceful world. That was the general topic of the sermon tonight and I think it is an interesting idea. Bad things happen and there are bad people in this world. However, I wonder, if the vast majority of us can spread grace and forgiveness like many family and friends of victims from the recent shooting in South Carolina did (they forgave him over a video feed after he was arrested) what will our world look like? I mean, there are moments here when I can see an instance where it might be hard to forgive. For example, I just found out that two friends here broke up because one of them cheated on the other while said cheater was out of the village. They broke up but the question is, does the one show grace and forgive? I don't know but it does show how hard even forgiving relatively small things can be. As humans, are we even really able to truly forgive right away? I am not saying that I am perfect and can show grace to all. I mean, I think there is someone who used to be in my life who I haven't truly forgiven. I moved passed the bad stuff and moved past her but deep down, I am really not sure that I have forgiven her. And if I saw to her, “I forgive you” will that really result in me truly forgiving her? I can show her grace. I can be kind even though I do not think she deserves it but I guess I don't necessarily need to forgive her if I can show her grace. And that is the difference between grace and forgiveness. Forgiving means that I would have to change my negative feelings and wish her well. I can wish her well at this point. I can hope that she has learned and has become a better person but I don't think I am a good enough person yet to fulling forgive her. However, grace means that I can show her kindness even though I may not think she deserves it.

Thanks for reading my babble but I think I have come to a conclusion- even if we feel that we cannot forgive we should at least strive to be able to show grace.

Day 316: Jun 22, 2015

Most of the day was pretty normal but after vespers Sam, Levi, and I played with some Nerf guns and our cornhole game. At first, I was really struggling but eventually got into the groove and played pretty well. It was a ton of fun and ended the day nicely. That was until I saw that one of my favorite teachers, Mr. Conway, was not doing real well. I knew he had cancer but it looks like he is doing worse. At first I was sitting in my room silently crying but then I heard Levi playing a song on his guitar. I figured being with someone would be better than being alone. Plus, it was a happy song that he was playing. I walked in with tears streaming down my face so, of course, he stopped playing to ask what was wrong. I told him to just keep playing. Once I had calmed down a little I told him in my then plugged up nose voice. He then continued to play and we shared a few laughs before I figured I was tired enough that I would fall asleep quickly. It was kind of a downer to end on but was good to know that I have people here that I can lean on.

Day 317: Jun 23, 2015

Oh man, tonight was awesome! We had a dodgeball tournament after an outdoor vespers. Vespers was beautiful but the real fun started when we headed to the VC. There were about 8 teams and we played double elimination. Luckily the games were pretty quick but a village team got 2^nd place (that was way better than we could have wished)! I just watched but it was so much fun. I think next time I will sponsor a team. I will make t-shirts and everything. I really hope we do another tournament.

Day 318: Jun 24, 2015

The day started out on an exciting note. The fire alarm wail went off at 6:00am. At first I didn't hear it but about 20 seconds after it started I hear it and ran to the PA system and announced where the alarm was and all that jazz. It was kind of funny to see the look on the faces of my regular construction workers' faces as they walked in and saw me making the announcement. It was kinda hilarious. It ended up being a false alarm so all was good. Most of the day was pretty routine otherwise until vespers when we surprised our outgoing directors with a vespers about them. They are leaving on Saturday so it was our last real chance to do something before a ridiculous amount of people come in for board weekend and the installation of the new directors. We made up a vespers celebrating them as a work of art and then did a social remediation on them so that they would be ready when they enter the “real” world. We had a school bus etiquette section where we decided that it is basically never appropriate to wave at buses unless your kids are on it. There was a ton of laughter and a few tears but it was a wonderful way to send them out. Afterwards, I hung out in Levi's room as he made up melodies to songs in the hymnal (songs that pretty much every Lutheran who goes to church would know). I even recorded part of his version of Go Tell It On The Mountain. His versions were amazingly beautiful especially since they were made up on the spot.

Day 319: Jun 25, 2015

It is a lovely night. The temperature is perfect, the hummingbirds are humming, the porch is full of friends and music. It should make me happy and it does but there is still a dark cloud over my head. I found out that my grandpa is in the hospital with an infection in his leg. He is getting antibiotics through an IV. In theory, he should be ok but you never know. The older you get, the harder it is to heal. I think what scares me more is that he says it doesn't hurt when the doctor said he should be in agony. I know that when I got hurt I should have been in pain but wasn't and maybe this is a similar situation but it is still scary nonetheless. I guess this is what prayer and friends are for. Hope and support.

Day 320: Jun 26, 2015

Man, it was a sweltering day. According to the thermometers on some of the remediation equipment, it got to 105 degrees today. I mean, it was still in the 90s by dinner time. Luckily, it is still cool in my room. I usually have the curtains drawn and the window closed so I think that helped. On a completely separate note, I am always amazed by the support and kindness of this place. Today was prayer around the cross for vespers and since I have two people in my life who are struggling with their health I decided to go to the spot that tells other that you would like them to pray with you. I held it together pretty well and got a hug or two after getting up. What really struck me though was when Laura beckoned me to come and pray with her in the same spot later. It felt like she was praying for me and whatever I was praying for. I have no idea if that was the case but it definitely felt that way and I ended up so teary and snot-drippy that I had to wipe my nose on my shoulder. It was a really touching moment. After everyone left, I was still hanging out there with Levi and as I went to blow out the candles he started to play the song that he was playing last time to cheer me up. It was so sweet and made me laugh since it is SO not a song for a church setting. The day closed with an ice cream/dance party celebrating the departing directors and their family. It was a nice end to the day.

Day 321: Jun 27, 2015

Today was about as long as a day can be. I worked my normal hours and then had to help get things ready for the installation of of the new directors. The installation was at 2 and went for 2 hours. So at 4 there was a bookstore sale where things were 90% off. I got two shirts for a total of $3, a big towel for $2, and some pottery for $9 more. That was the best part of the afternoon. The whole day was hot and I didn't get a nap. So the day was fun but tiring in general but in the middle of the day my ex contacted me and told me that a mutual teacher of ours that was my favorite and most influential teacher passed away last night. In memoriam, I decided to write a letter to him. Here it is:

Dear Conway,

I am at a loss for words. You died last night. I prayed for you during vespers last night. I thought I would cry while praying but I felt oddly calm. It was as if I knew that you had already passed and that you were now at peace. It was almost as if you were comforting me, letting me know that it was ok and that you weren't suffering anymore. Maybe it was you that was comforting me. They say you died in your sleep so it is possible that you had already passed. I don't know if I believe that those who have passed can have that ability to comfort those who grieve for them but I would like to think so. If it was you, thank you. It wouldn't surprise me if it was you. It would be fitting with the Conway that I knew. You have truly changed and inspired many lives. I can't even imagine the number of lives that you changed and even saved. I saw how you worked with kids who were about to go down the wrong path and changed their direction. I remember the moment that you began to change my life. It was my freshman year and I was coming to stage crew intermittently and you were still kind of scary to me. You called me over and told me that I was needed. Knowing that I was needed was one of the things that helped me through the rough times of sophomore and junior year. Without the knowledge that you were back at school waiting for me and supporting me, I know that it would have been nearly impossible to climb out of the deep, dark abyss that I was in. You were supportive to all of us and treated us like your children- you didn't take any nonsense from us and pushed us to be our best but you also showed us love, either by bringing Deerfield Bakery to weekend work days or talking to us in your office. You were a mentor to many and inspired a love for different aspects of theatre in many. I know many of us have or will go into different areas of the theatre professionally and many more will participate in community theatre or school productions. You provided the support and the push so that we could be proud of the work we did. You pushed us to work as professionals and to put on shows that rivaled professional shows and were certainly better than the productions at my college. You had the faith in us. You believed that we could put on quality shows and chose productions that you knew we could pull off and excel at. You always had high expectations of us but they were realistic expectations. You were disappointed in us when we deserved it and praised us in the same way. You made us want to make you proud. You will be missed dearly but will never truly be gone. There will be teachers who were inspired to teach theater because of you. There will be professionals that will inspire others because of you. You were an inspiration to us all. Thank you and I hope you are at peace now.

With love and sadness,

Hannah