Week 52

Day 357: Aug 2, 2015

I learned today that the fire is heading toward the village and has grown to 16,000 acres, 4x the size it was yesterday morning. I spent the day at the airport. I was originally going to try to fly standby to go home but I was told that because my original flight was scheduled for the 8^th, I couldn't fly standby early. It sucks because when I called to ask if I could they said yes. So, I ended up paying an extra $400 to change my ticket. It worked out because the flights ended up being full and I did not see anyone get on who was on the standby list. I ended up at the airport from 5:30am to 2:30pm which meant I was able to use a bunch of internet and watched a movie. The flight left late because the catering company messed up. We made up the time in the air but then there were a bunch of thunderstorms around Chicago so we ended up about a half hour late. It was kind of cool to see the lightning from a plane. On the drive home we ended up driving through a downpour and lightning strikes. I have a healthy respect for lightning now.

Day 358: Aug 3, 2015

I slept all day. I think I will use these remaining days as options to reflect on the year and the evacuation.

Day 359: Aug 4, 2015

I really miss my friends. I am finding it really hard to be without them while going through this time. I really just want a hug or someone to fall asleep next to. To know that there is someone next to me who is going through the same heart wrenching situation. It feels like a big chunk of my heart has been ripped out and is back in Chelan with my friends. I really don't like this.

Day 360: Aug 5, 2015

Went and visited the grandparents today. It was exhausting. My grandma is just so negative. I am already kind of down so having my grandma be so negative and comment on every dying tree was not helpful. I really want to reflect on this whole experience but right now I just can't. I don't want to do anything.

Day 361: Aug 6, 2015

I made some bread today. That was exciting. I think what I need to do is to start doing things, a little at a time and then set aside a time to sit outside and reflect. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Hang my hammock in the front yard, bring out my computer or notebook or both and just write.

Day 362: Aug 7, 2015

Just sitting here in my hammock. Yeah, I'm sitting not laying. I don't have two trees to connect the ends to so I attached one end to the trunk and the other end to a thick branch. The two ends are fairly close to each other but just about perfect distance for sitting cross-legged on it. It is a beautiful set up if I must say so myself. I think today I will try to reflect on the evacuation. My plan is to start with the most recent and go toward the overarching reflection of it all. We shall see how it goes.

The first threat of evac due to this fire was right around the fourth of July. We did our best to pretend that everything was normal and we proceeded with celebrations as normal. When you have your bag packed and fire fighters watching your parade it makes it hard to celebrate without thinking that any minute we might be called together to evacuate. The fire did the best thing we could hope for, it stayed where it was. It didn't spread around or really move at all. For the next month the fire just chilled out in a rocky, hard to reach place. We figured it was burning itself out of fuel and it basically was. The weather cooperated and was cool all month. Our worries shifted from preparing for an evacuation to every day worries- don't dig up a pipe, don't burn yourself on the espresso machine, try not to drive IT crazy, who is dating who, who likes who, and who is leaving soon. I figured I was going to be leaving on my departure date. I was going to have multiple days to mentally prepare and to say goodbye to friends. Heck, I wasn't even that upset when people hung out with someone else on my birthday because they were leaving the next day. I figured I would have that day soon enough and life would be good. I am not usually a person that likes to be at the center of attention, I'm an introvert by nature, but I do like just hanging out with friends- even if that just means we are sitting on a porch together enjoying the sunset, or watching a movie together. But that morning, when I heard that we were going to be evacuated (I heard through the grapevine because it was early and they had only told the night crews that we were leaving) my stomach dropped. I didn't believe it. My first thought was “shit” and my second thought was “well, it is a good thing I packed my stuff last night”. I still opened the coffee cart and pretended like things were normal. People didn't know that they were going to be told that they were leaving in 5 hours or less and it wasn't my duty to tell them. That first day was relatively normal except that I had to say goodbye to about 20 members of my Holden family. I knew I would not see many of them again. A few I would see at the boat dock the next day but I didn't know how many I would see. At the time, I was too wrapped up in packing, emptying my room, and figuring out what I was going to be doing the next day to really digest what was happening. Yeah, I cried when we did a long-term goodbye for Honna and I but I was still going to go down on the boat with about a third of the village. That night those of us who remained who were not important enough to be included on super secret meetings gathered on a porch and talked. We sat there, ate cookies and enjoyed each other's company which was really not that different than many other nights. Then we heard that they were going to call us in for a meeting, we were going to leave earlier than originally planned. It was starting to get dark and, to be honest, most of us didn't care when we left as long as we weren't woken up by the alarm in the middle of the night. We just wanted to know when we needed to get up and we wanted to go to bed. Simple request but the meeting wasn't called until 9:45. At this point, we just wanted to get the meeting over with. We were told that people were going to gather for breakfast at 4:30 and we were going to load buses at 5. My only thoughts were “ok, I can do that. Can we go to bed now?” but, of course, no meeting at Holden Village is that simple. They opened things up for questions where we got the expected but still stupid question of “So, when is breakfast and when are we leaving?”. I couldn't help but to roll my eyes, especially because it was my manager who asked the question. Come on! You are a freaking manager. You should be able to understand these simple instructions without needing them repeated. Just another example of why he should not be in a position of power. It also didn't help that he wasn't at breakfast announcements when they took roll. Part of the contract that we signed was that if it is a working day for you (it was for him) then you are expected to be at announcements at 8am. Usually there is nothing important said but every so often there was something that we needed to know from the other side of the creek. There might be a blast at the quarry that people need to know about or there might be something else that the group needs to know about. When there is a possibility of evacuation it is even more important that you show up. Just another reason why he was probably the worst possible person to be chosen as a manager. So after the meeting ended many people went to finish packing because they originally thought that they would have the morning to pack and I tried to go to sleep. I think I laid there trying to slow my heart beat and go to sleep for probably 2 hours and I know I was not the only one awake because I heard Levi and Jesus packing most of the time. I think that was the most frustrating part of the whole evacuation, just not being able to sleep the night before. When I woke up at 4 I knew that my night of sleep was over. I got up, finished packing and headed to the dinning hall. I figured that at least if I was doing something I could keep my mind busy enough that I wouldn't get too anxious. When it came time to board busses it couldn't be as easy as boarding a school bus. The fire had taken off over night and had crossed the road. It had burned so hot and fast that it split rocks at left debris on the road. This didn't bother me all that much because I know how fires act and I know the damage that they tend to leave behind. Once I knew that it had left debris on the road I knew immediately that the fire had taken off and that it was no longer contained to one side of the road. Our drive down was going to look very different from the last time I had been down that road. Since things were blocking the road we had no idea what time we were going to leave the village or if we were going to leave that day at all. See, the fire tends to get more active as the day gets warmer. That means that the longer we waited for the road to be cleared, the less likely it was that we were going to get out that day at all. Not knowing if you are going to leave that day or not can really play games with your head. Most of the morning we just laid around in public areas together because we had no idea if we were going to be leaving in 5 minutes or in 24 hours. People took naps in the middle of everything because they were so exhausted but didn't want to miss anything by going back to their rooms. Finally, around 9am the directors gathered us together to have us prepare the village incase the fire decided to head toward the village. It was their way of keeping us busy. As soon as they sent us on our ways to go do things the directors got a call. We were leaving in a half hour. In the moment I was ecstatic. I had been assigned to work in my manager's group and was dreading it. Then there was that moment of “FINALLY”. We were actually going to leave and if I wanted to I could sleep on the bus or boat. At that moment there wasn't much thought about the fact that I was departing the village for good. I was just glad that we were no longer in limbo. Fast forward through the drive down smoke and fire alley and the claustrophobic boat ride down the lake to the joyous moment of arriving at the dock to see friends who had not been in the village during all of this. I wasn't sure that I was going to see them again before I left. The one person that I needed a hug from over the craziness of the last two days was there. I hugged him for all I was worth. Heck, I practically fell apart on him. I didn't realize how much he had meant to me until then. It wasn't that I wanted to have sex with him or anything but I found that I needed him in my life during the rough patches. I want him in my life at other times but there are times when I need him there. It was also at this time when I realized that the guy that I had a crush on was not the guy who I should have in my life. He knew that I needed a hug but instead basically ran off. I understood on the boat when he kind of shut down. He felt claustrophobic and needed to escape but when he tried to leave forever without saying goodbye to anyone I knew that he was not worthy of my heart beyond friendship. When my other friend opened his arms wide and gathered me into his arms, I knew in that moment that I was home and that it was going to be nearly impossible to say goodbye. We all had places where we needed to be, though, and mine was in a car with 4 other people headed to Seattle. As we were preparing to leave, all I could think of was “only one more hug and I will be able to leave”. The sucky part was that I felt that even after the car that I was in had left. I don't know when I will see him again and right now all I want is a hug from him telling me that it will be ok and that we will see each other again soon. Originally, we planned on hanging out in mid September and meeting up with some other Holden people who live in the midwest but now that the fire has basically gone crazy and has started heading toward the village who knows when people will be allowed back and I don't think he will be allowed to leave the group until they are back in the village. If you are reading this and you know who you are, I am sending you a digital hug (I know that they are not the same but it is all I can do for now) and prayers that things calm down.

I have been ripped from my surrogate family before it was time and I am struggling. That is the best I can do for now. This outside world is crazy and people can't seem to let silence be silence. People seem to feel that the gap in people speaking must be filled. People seem to feel the need to buy things constantly and here I am like “Yeah, there is a little hole in my pants, your point?” or “Yeah, I guess that is a cute shirt but I am already wearing a shirt and have something to wear tomorrow so no, I don't want to buy it. Not even if it is a good brand and it is $3 at a resale shop.”. Maybe it is because I am running low on meds so I just don't care but I think it is more that I know what actually matters in life now and it is not the things around me but rather the people. Is that what I have learned this year? I don't know. That will have to be a topic for a different day of sitting outside trying to ignore the sound of cicadas.

Day 363: Aug 8, 2015

Time for some thinking.